these last moments
these desperate attempts
clinging to love
shrouded in darkness
to smile
to breathe
to spin in the air
but then like all things
to die
the first crack in the painting
the first chip in the sculpture
let things be still
as the earth shakes
and hell rises
swallowing us up
into little bitty pieces
and then shitting us out
all in one fell swoop
killing everything
for everything must die
we live and we die
from the leaf to the atom
when you split the atom
you get a raging mushroom of death
down to the last drop
the very last sensation
black and white
blind witnesses
every one of us
every last stinking one of us
watch him dance
and laugh at us all
as we whither away
watch him mock us and blow kisses
waving us in
giving us bread
waving our debts
total annihilation
that's what we were bred for
raise the flower
to see it's color
survive the winter
to shine anew

it's lonely at the top
it's even lonelier at the bottom
but yea I get it
surrounded by yes men
liars and pick pockets
fair weather friends
leaches upon leaches
so why not jump off that cliff
why not burrow yourself in a cloud of smoke
why not dive off that cliff
that cliff they build for us run aways
that cliff they build and call "success"
once your famous it's finished
you can recreate your image
but time never ceases
they all come running
like cows coming home
the corporate sheep herders
hurrying them along
laughing their way to the bank
and people sit at home
thinking it's all real.
that's what puzzles me the most
like, you know.
and I know.
but all these people...
they buy the tickets
they wait in line for autographs
they brag about some small fact they know
they hang pictures on their walls
setting the trap in their mind
that trap that tells them they're not free
that they need "success"
that they need to Be that poster on the wall
those sounds
that loud guitar
it's so silent now
they beat on it
they stroke it
they airbrush it
they study it
and emulate it
but that sound
that crushing sound
that used to scream through out the hills
a Roaring "FUCK You WORLD"
it's so quiet.
no one will ever rule the world again miss love
not like you did.
the crown has been destroyed.

if I could have a day.
just one day of what you have
even just to witness
like a dog with his head hangin out the car door window
to fly
to see it all
to have servers
and handlers
exterior arms and minds
helping me live my life
oh the narcissist in me would be very happy
like a kid in an arcade with endless plays
like a girl at the pool where the sun never sets
you know how lucky you are
you know it was all chance
and you've tasted the dirt in the streets
so these cheeses and these wines
your taste buds refined
by struggle
the day in day out
the reaching for the stars
the waking up in dirt
to sleep in roses
take the drugs if you need them
take the drugs and drink the wine
run away and watch it crumble in the distance
watch it crash into the ocean
ingest cocaine
soak in opiates
let it be a dream
where they kill
we die
where they eat
we starve
and as you share tables
with evil incarnate
you do it with such virtuosity
with such clear conviction
no one mistakes your crown
they all have something to say
and even more on their minds
oh how they despise you
Go Back to the Streets!
I say the same
though to take their treats
and accept their recognition
I would offer my blood just the same.

I watched age crawl up my arm
I said please not my face
and I woke up
with it having seeped out from under my eyes
sewing itself into my skin
no solution
no remedy
time is merciless
first there was art
capturing perfect beauty
then it was the radio
echoing the worlds sweetest sounds
then came motion pictures
and we watched our fantasies implode
a million images
a million perfect lies
aggrandizing and memorizing
for the meek to worship
for the meek to reflect upon
for the meek to admire and adore
to idolize and to cherish
to follow through
over and under
until the glass is cracked
and they finally see
that art
and the poetry
and death
are most sweet

it's so easy to write these words
all I need is a picture
and the words flow like wine
your tender smile
your meekness
your battles won
along with your crosses to bare
I'm like a pigeon
gobbling up bread in the parking lot
it's that easy
just one look
into those soft desperate eyes
and it all becomes obvious
there's so much poetry there
that the words write themselves
all you've ever needed was an observer
someone who could see the constellation
the connection between your spirit
and the history of the stars
from the very tip
to the meatiest rib
from the morning sun
to your darkest day
no one else could have been strong enough
no one was
and no one ever will be again
there's no chance for any of these things to change
to go back in time
to re-write the passages of yesteryear's crimes
so we look on to today
we stare it right in the face
and we ask for it to be peaceful
for it to be calm
for just a moment
just long enough for us to catch our breaths
and so these poems.
they're not for you.
they're not for me.
they just are
because they deserve to be.
these words.
your life.
as nothing has ever been planned
nor were these words

to the most carnivorous bitch that ever lived
the most blood thirsty
villainous
sanctimonious
manipulative
Cunt
all my kindest words
mieux gentil
as always
to the most abused
hated
despised creature
they see you as poison
a certain blood type
that should not exist
that lost flower
that crushed rose
that weed growing in the pavement
our living breathing imperfections
her high heels
her fake smile
her fragile exterior
like the preying mantis
drawing in her prey
then latching on
till death
and departed
I have nothing but kindness
for this rotten butterfly
yes she is evil
but it is pure
there is honesty in her intent
a yearning that won't cease
to steal
take
and borrow
to swallow and ravish
to stone to death
to burn at the stake
to drowned in the lake
to hunt and destroy
to obliterate from the earth
and never leave one hint of a trace
for rediscovery
how they would all seek to undo you
to dispose of your shrine
to devalue your conquests
to demoralize and humiliate
into wreckage
but they can't even begin to put together the simplest words
they don't have the slightest clue
they can't even begin to explain
because what they hate in you
is what they hate of themselves
oh to the queen of sin
the queen of debauchery and ruin
the most wasted of all tales
nothing comes close to the fragrance of your delight

all the music
the art
the wars
it's all been for nothing
the stars
the sun
the moon
it's like they don't even need to exist
this perpetual black empty space
growing further into nothingness
a pounding on the ceiling
the train across the street
it's all been for nothing
we keep eating and fucking
we keep draining every ounce of purity we can find
until we're down to the core
and it displays itself rotten
the death of fruits
the waste of greenery
a toxic waste dump
swimming with people
stirring this empty glass
these moments they last forever
these words are omnipotent
because nothing stands before time
nothing but fossils and fertilizer
dried up on the vine
awaiting angry gods
this contemptuous fortitude
this big black empty space
we run in the streets
we parade
we riot
we cheer
and we grieve
over and over
the same way every time
with the blindness of a snail
the wit of a cockroach
the integrity of a black widow
what will we do with tomorrow
will we watch it bleed and turn to rot
just as we always have
More babies
give them more Eyes
so they can bare witness to the devastation
the self sacrifice
for the angry gods
plucking the apple from the tree
only to watch it rot.

and so I survive
I survive to taste the bread and drink the wine
to feel the sun soak into my skin
like the ants and the flies
like my cat in the window
like my neighbors next door
and across the street
we've all survived another day
I tell myself there's a reason
that there must be some great cause
that gives this time merit
that makes these breaths worthwhile
like a god
a dogmatic principle
there must be a reason
there must be some great answer to my calling out
but this world is silent like the trees
the wind blows and you can hear it's friction
the balance within violence
the big bang in a trickle on the street
a Million big bangs
all for no reason
no reason at all
so you can beg and scream and plead
you can go crazy arguing with the sun
but none of it will ever respond
we respond
we react
we split the atom and put telescopes over ant hills
we cause all these things
we cause all these things
we make it all up, as we go along
so to the paparazi
keep flashing those cameras
keep scribbling those pens
keep printing those ads
somebodies bound to catch on sooner or later

all the best poems never reach the page
I come up with them while I'm drunk
sitting outside staring at the moon
taking long drags off of cigarettes
there I can find the time
the space
the room
to think of what I really want to say
the words that aren't just contrived
over conceptualized
rhetorical
nonsense

the kind that really lets you know that I know whats up
that I'm not just some scab pulling a fast one
another leach looking to use you as a way in
what doors could you open for me anyways
every door you walk through gets slammed shut and sealed and barricaded

but alas none of those words even get passed my lips
they just rest there in that moment when I created them
those perfect words that forge the boundaries between us
the haves and the wants
fools gold
it's a mirage
I can see that
rainbows never touch the ground
the magic elixir
the cure all to all of our problems
you Made it
you took the world by storm
and they nipped at your heels all the way there
oh to be famous
to be admired
to be imaginary
to be perfect in the minds of others
in all directions
to be fought over
to be cared for
but still all the love in the world isn't enough for you
no one can touch your beauty
cause your beauty is in the street
and none of those clean garb wearing holier then thou types
those up on the hill
they ain't never been to skid row baby
they drove right by it
every time
while we bathed in it
relished even
those were our proudest moments
the little things
back when things mattered
when we were young and daring
when we had ideas and missions to accomplish
when we all walked with a vigorous stride
one by one
to the top of the moutain
waving our banners
singing our songs
hoisting those whom we saw fit to the top of the heap
and applauding whatever great speeches of victory
they had prepared to deliver us
oh how it was all so sweet
to rub the shit in their faces
and so while I watch from a curious distance
as you mingle with the stable crowd
how it is you don't constantly catch your own vomit
listening to the sounds of their voices
the nonsensical vindications of the next installment of egotism
we all look in the mirror
but only a very few like what they see
we can all do better
Be better
and so that's why we fight
fighting with ourselves
on the backs of others.

I wake up
I make myself some coffee
then I remember that I forgot to buy some more
then I spend the whole day stressed out
because at some point
I'm going to have to go to the store
I'd rather sit here and get loaded
and just write these nonsensical poems about you
but I can't even get out of bed without some coffee
so if I'm going to write more
then I'm going to have to go out
I'll put a shirt on
tie my shoes
put on my sunglasses
look in the mirror to make sure I look ok
as long as I don't look like a Complete degenerate
then I'm ok
fuck
I forgot to buy coffee
how could I forget
that was one of the only reasons why I went down there
Now I gotta put on a shirt
put on my sunglasses
check myself in the mirror
make sure I look ok
just to get some fucking coffee
it's been all day like this
me watching my rations shrink
with each filling of the cup
like a barometer of anxiety
out there will be the same people that are always out there
black people yelling at each other from across the street
the guy on the corner selling incense
the dollar store filled with kids and their grand parents
everyone shuffling around
getting in each others way
I say "excuse me"
and "wope sorry about that."
but no one notices
no one notices I'm out
walking down the streets
no sirens
no mob of people holding cameras
pens pressed to their notebooks
all asking questions
no none of that
just the sound of the train
and some dogs barking
maybe a siren in the distance
but nothing worth all this apprehension
what is it about the outside world
that violent mob that calls themselves humanity
and calls everything else otherwise
I'll have to buy some coffee
before they close
it's been all day like this
how could I have forgot

as I sit here and eat my slop
and you ride in your expensive car
some kind of empty reasoning
this incoherent babbling churning in my head
like Richard Ramirez
but with a soft touch
here I'll give you my number
you can call me anytime
night or day
mark me down as an emergency contact
cause you know what baby
you Are special
you Are the sexiest bitch in town
Cause you know what it's like
you been there done that
an honest defense
against the scorned laughter
recollections
truth always stands still
it just sits there waiting
waiting for all of us
canned laughter or not
props or the real thing

table for two?

my cat still loves me
but he's just a dumb cat
and he only loves me
for the same reason a woman would
some stability
and just a little love
so thank god you're stupid man
thank god you aint smart enough
or else you'd take off on me too
ah fuck,.. what's any of it worth anyways?

we put on our clothes
we tie our shoes
we brush our teeth
yes sir no sir
who's in control of you?
I guess it's the money
the only thing that's left
nothing loves you like money
jewlery
gadgets
maids
butlers
everyone and everything
telling you you're special
oh If I could just find a break
if I could find my niche
hang out with the right people
get the right people's phone numbers
but no one wants to talk to me
and even if they did
I'd tell them not to bother
in just a few short sentences.

met this crackwhore at a show last night
she was who and where you'd be without that money
you can beat the streets
but you can't beat the streets out of her
we are what we are
lost hopeless and confused
surrounded by people that seem to have it all figured out
how do they do it?
what's the secret?
did they read some book?
How to win friends and influence people
what was it?
what IS it?
I look at them, and I want to commit murder
if not myself than Someone
ANYONE
at least then there''d be one less
one less distraction from my lament
one less patron, convincing me that I have nothing
but I don't want nothing
nothing from you anyways.
I'm just looking for some shade
the suns been up there for what seems like days
and I'm tired and weary
weary of trudging through another day
carrying my legs behind me
lifting this heavy load
like an ant left out in the desert
scurrying madly without a pack
arms and antennas flailing
manic and distraught
that bug knows how it feels
even if he can't put it to words

what is it about Love, Courtney?
I was with this woman for 6 years
I was like a Saint
at the height of my musical career
name in the paper as the act to look out for
and this wasn't just any pee on no name industry
like the towns I'd worked over before
Naw, this was San Francisco
nominated "Band of the Month" by a local poll
Headlining major underground venues
to highly enlightened crowds
and after only having been here Six Months
I mean I punched this town right in the Face
and they liked it

at a time when every time I got off stage
there was a pretty girl there waiting
giving me the eye
that "you can take me home if you want to" look
the kind that kept me going
the kind that got me writing music

but I kept it in my pants
like a Catholic Priest!
not even Kissing another girl
and without regret
after the show we'd go home
our cat greeting us at the door
a Real Home
quiet and orderly
where there's food in the fridge
and a soft bed to lay on.
I loved that girl
more than I've ever been able to love myself
we'd hit up thrift stores
going through people's junk
finding great records and bizarre nick knacks
she'd pile up all these dead people's clothes
and then sell them on ebay with her perfect body
her perfect body that just never quit
she was the best
that's why I stayed true
because I knew it
as much as I knew the sun would rise in the morning

and so what am I left with now
now that my acclaim has dissipated
now that the attention is gone
now that I'm faceless
the girls don't look twice
and the clubs don't call back
the girl?
she ran off with some trashy loser
I'm sure he's having a swell time.
"it's for the business!" she always claimed
as to why she didn't post pics of us on her website
then wouldn't you know it
the second she hooks up with this other guy
BAM
nothing but pictures of them together
embracing one another
in the tackiest of arenas
as if they were the perfect match
when I look at his face
I see a million faces
there with my diamond
whom I'd roamed the Earth desperately to find
giving herself away
to the lowest common denominator
such greatness in my mind
turning hollow and brittle

my life went to hell
everyone died
cancer, heroin, police brutality
it was a mess
while everyone around her acted like vultures
swooping and clawing
squawking and nipping
if they had acted as human beings
and given me five seconds to recover
things would have improved
and life would have gotten better
for the both of us

no one is ever good enough
we live in these dreams
and we die in our nightmares

the wolves have been out all night
but now the sun is beginning to shine
so that all of the rabbits and squirrels
can come out from darkness
and have their day
a day of procreation and preservation
a day of running and fucking
a day of looking around
seeing what all there is out there
to nest and to nurture
to hunt and to steal
how we all survive
clawing at each others backs
this mindless hell
we look down on them
we step on them and we shoot them out of the sky
we say "Take that!"
stupid animals
if they were just a little bit smarter,
they'd have us all for lunch

"gay people are just greedy." said my buddy john up from Seattle.

so I had sex with this dude last night
it was alright
not too good looking
but he has a big dick

I've known him for awhile
still listens to that same old no name punk rock bullshit
same shit he's been listening to since he was a kid
the kind of bands like I was in
the sex was alright
but I have to say
I really just don't like having sex with men
not nearly as much as I do women
which makes me wonder how!
that Every woman on Earth isn't a Lesbian?



I TRIED
I honestly tried
in the 90s
back when everyone and every Thing was gay
I dated a guy for six months
and I was miserable
so I took drugs
I took in sluts and scumbags
and I wandered like a nomad
it would be so much easier
to just be a faggot
at least then I'd Know
but me?
naw, I'm just a pervert
the kind that no one understands
not even myself

so to Kurt's plight
his condition
his philosophy of "FUCK YOU WORLD"
for making things so complicated
the puritans and their generic existence
there's no such thing as gay sex
there's people having sex.
and people Not having sex.
fuck it
that's always been my motto
"it works in all scenarios" I said last night.

all this just to say
that it's easy for me to see
to understand
how they carry on
and how you wish they would answer
I can see why

find some love
make a baby
and get the fuck out

we All just should have died
they should have handed out handguns at lollapalooza
everyone pull the trigger at once on your order
"READY?! ONE, TWO!.."
Have it on pay per view
so those watching at home can kill themselves too
what good has come from surviving?
to watch it all decay
whither into dust
true stories shrouded by dementia
how we pass it on
how we make them memorize and tell it back to us
as if We know best
as if we were the ones that put everything in its place
telling and re-telling
until it barely resembles even one atom of truth
but they still ask for it
so here it comes
packagaed and delivered
watch out baby
cause it's coming for You

told through the eyes of a figurative analyst
what a tremendous waste of time
trying to get through to you
you don't even really exist
that girls gone
she vanished years ago
into a crack pipe in France

but damn you're hot when you're desperate
when you tell frances "I'm getting out the coat hanger"
on camera.
joking about tearing at your womb
with a steel hook
ripping at her limbs
tearing her out from your womb
so to escape this reality that's manifested
this obnoxious prouder than art thou product by design
nurtured by static and distance
it writes itself my dear
the shit writes itself.
just don't seem like anyone's paying attention

it's all a gag anyways
nothing means anything anymore
to anyone
how long can you wait
a minute?
an hour?
how long can you hold it in
until it just about busrt
whats it worth to you anyways
it's all a big headache
nothing but dreams and memories
for all time

of course it's in vain
isn't it always
"don't let me down" Lennon cries
blood from a stone
dried up crusty wishes
unfolding into dust
the Cadillacs
the fancy houses
at least you're warm
and in a safe place
maybe that's what we envy
that you can be a strung out recluse
and yet still pay the rent

we all want to be taken advantage of
have our picture in the paper
be on the big screen
play in the arenas
but I think the crucifucks put it best
Democracy breeds bad taste
"the people are always wrong" Bukowski moaned
so me with my rotten decor
my itchy flesh
my crowd of 10 or less
I guess it's easier
but like the barfly wishing he had something to say
some small chunk of victorious wisdom
for just a tiny bit of gratitude
for all the dues having been payed
all the treachery endured
day in and day out
the infinite struggle
there must be some kind of pay off
some kind of way out

oh to be glamorous
is justice incarnate.

the egomaniac
I guess that's what's comforting
knowing that it's always there
waiting to be nestled and cared for
tenderly stroked
with half smeared lip stick
the pockets under your eyes
catching the mascara as it drips
a whine that just won't cease
a fist pounding on the floor
tie your shoes
eat your breakfast
try to be there on time
we are what we consume
and you've bought and sold the world ten fold
how boring it must get
counting and recounting
arguing while you trade
everyone's a liar
from the penthouse to skid row
just trying to get a piece for themselves
keep it in the family they say
count your blessings
He who has the most toys wins
but I break my toys
I like smashing them into little bits
and to see all the pieces
in a shattered pile
dead from my action
action without recourse
Take what you can
while there's still time!
that's progress

you are the perfect mother to that child
that's just how he would have wanted it
for Who are we if we're not angry and confused
who are we if we have nothing to fight for
he knew the fight was finished
and that we had won.
why spoil things by growing stale?
stay young and beautiful forever
give us that perfect moonlight
and so we dance in the darkness
and tell ghost stories
about heros and villains
that used to roam this land
we start fires and we wear makeup
we plot and we chisel
we all know it's fruitless
we all know that the moments long since past
but the children can see
they see everything we can't
like a sunrise in the future
the humor of it all
to think we did it all just to have a laugh
just to cackle and taunt
just to say I was right and you were wrong
but now Every bodies right
so it's just no fun anymore
so let's just be ironic
let's mimic their step
whistle and argue
make them feel right at home
just as the way the ones that stood before
welcomed us.

if ever there was a time
if ever there was a place
if ever there was a moment
that was it
yea you had to drudge to get it
you had to pick through the bones
of a million dead lottery tickets
and you had to be his mother
and foster him while he effeminately destructed
but you got your moment in the sun
Milos Forman yelling Action
calling on you to portray
the greatest whore that ever lived
it was a cinch
it was Your calling
the sun rose and set for you
no one could have done it better
and yes your fee was in that dufflebag full of ashes
but you dumped that baggage as quick as you could

and now you return
saying "Remember me?"
playing pearl jam songs
to an amazingly naive audience
oh this stupid world
what easy tricks there are to play
just to get some money
just to get some shelter
from those cold damp streets

he used you like a pipebomb
making Palahniuk films
and fucking Courtney Love
god was He cool
give me a break
Eddie? oh Eddie?
where art thou now?
makin shitty cop movies
staring down monotony.
it's strange
how you're up there
doing all this
while I'm down here watching
yet here we are
sipping our coffee
and smoking our cigarettes
you resting in a castle
with a million phone calls
me in my rented room
with nothing but time
yet here we are.

there's a sadness that reaches out
like how the warmth of the sun embraces the pedals of a rose
like how the morning dew rests on a blade of grass
these charmed inequities
these soft imperfect waves
the mountains peek
the depth of the ocean
how tall we stand
and how proudly we march
eating everything in our path
the elders with their half truths
the youth with their carelessness
universally we scream and we bleed
to survive is to be vigilant
an eye for an eye
for as long as we all shall live

and where are you in all this?
resting by the lake
embraced by natures tranquility
smiling for cameras
commemorating your destiny

with guns drawn
adrenalin greasing our wheels
without reason
no cause
no resolution
lone justice grinding in our teeth
how we kill to survive
we celebrate the blood of the lamb
none of us are safe
if any of us are to survive.
so take a deep breath
and watch those calm waters
let the world scurry
let it shake and corrode
we have but these breaths
how ever so faint
and we have but these moments
to question our fate
let us rue the day
let us wait for things undone
for there is some kind of sadness
reaching out to us all

how could he have loved you
for no one else would
he knew you for what you were
a no good lying tramp
oh how you must have relished in the moment
as the drama unfolded
all eyes on me
shining brighter than the sun
how could they have known
as he looked over that balcony in Rome
you were his ultimate confirmation
that the world is rotten
so he chose you
the most spoiled
or more he accepted you
bestowing his honor upon thee
watch it squirm
watch it yelp and whistle
watch it holler out
into a drunken carnival
watch it dwindle and fade into a blissful sunset
while millions stagger their way through from beneath
kill them all, let god sort 'em out
he built this castle
only so he could watch it crumble
this tangled web of destruction
so he picked you
as his ultimate showing of forgiveness
to love the unwanted
acceptance and understanding
but he knew he would die
and he knew that was best
to go on
watching you screw around
to watch the termites crawl through the skin
death was all around
he just accepted it

most days are spent
lying in my room
avoiding the mirror
avoiding my housemates
lying in my bed
self medicating
searching this deep chasm
for something to say
some simple relation
that both of us know is true
for in truth we can take solace
their truth
our truth
oh to lament
to grieve and to mourn
what's fair
is any of it true
because none of it makes sense
what a gigantic waste of time
the magic is in the blood
and the rivers long ran dry
so we tell stories
of when it ran red
of when those whom were righteous in their aim
stood with bounties of sacrilege
hung around their neck
how time stood still
how colors seemed brighter
those tempered winds
providing safe passage
now on this rock
under this midnight sky
only a reflection of light left to guide us
hope in our memories
hope for tomorrow
clandestine day dreams
clasped in our lockets
the howling screams of the damned
these silent prayers
these mice whisper
this bread goes stale
oh to be righteous
to be fair
amongst wolves
to offer your soul
to surfacing demons
to lay waste to the future
by surrendering your past

they say live in the now
but now I've got nothing to live for
rake up these dead leaves and burn them
let the ashes blow in the wind
no one remembers
even when reminded
how quickly these fires turn to dust
how quickly these seasons change
a masquerade
of epic proportions
those whom survive
live cursed and branded
caged up
and falsified
to the victor go the spoils
my how nothing ever changes
every dog has it's day
it's no mystery
it's sharp teeth
these delusions of paradise
keeping me still
oh tranquility
don't ever desert me
all the fruits from Eden
in a basket
hand picked for the new born prince
the prince of poverty
the prince of wealth
there's all kinds of princes
these ideas of perfection
these delusions
our salvation
light at the end of the tunnel
to keep us from screaming
once the light burns out

there's a wretched stench
seeping through my window and under my door
perforating my room
the strays my neighbor fosters
have turned my back yard into a shit cemetary
I see them all march in
one by one as guided by their mother
and start to dig
digging in the freshly tilled soil
pissing on the plants
I grab a rock and throw it at the fence to scare them
accidently pegging one in the side
oh well, it was a little rock
god my room stinks
I've lit candles
cleaned my cats litter box twice
and I feel like shit
popped 5 different kind of pills this morning
just so I could enjoy my coffee and smoke some grass
just so I could write this poem
why won't that smell go away
smells like the river in july from some major city
I can't see the fumes
but I know they're there
maybe I'll light a match
this candle doesn't seem to be doing the trick
my cat wants to sit on my lap right now
he doesn't care about poetry
he just wants something to eat
and maybe a good scratching

I had just gotten out of rehab
I was at my mothers place
I was in the bathroom giving myself a suppository
I heard their meth dealer in the living room
saying something about "soothing your addiction"
while I slid that cold wet white lump up my rectum
I was on liquid diet
the food in the rehab joint had blocked me up
I hadn't shit for a month
the doc put me on a liquid diet
I had ate chicken broth and bread crumbs that night
nothing worked
eventually I had to go to the emergency room
the doc stuck his finger up my ass
he almost seemed to enjoy it
the student slash assistant that was watching looked confused
they stuck a tube up my ass that was hooked up to this machine
it started pumping gallons of a warm liquid into my insides
they told me to hold it for as long as I can
it hurt like hell
like my stomach was a balloon about to pop
the doctors walked off talking amongst themselves
the machine hummed like a nuclear reactor
it looked like it was built in the 50s
I watched the liquid flow through the tube
bubbles charting its speed
eventually the machine stopped
I laid there for a moment
before slowly removing the tube from my asshole
my stomach rumbled like thunder
stabbing pains encompassing my entire abdomen
a monster inside of me
I laid there
somewhat curled up in a ball
waiting for it
like a fuse had been set
and my stomach the bomb
the bathroom was just a few steps away from the bed
I slowly slid my legs over the side
clinching my butt cheeks with one hand
my stomach with the other
I took cautious steps
moving my hips to walk
keeping my legs stiff
like an action figure
I slowly pushed the door open
it had one of those push open knobs
the room was darkly lit
the walls were brown
I eeked my way to the toilet
using the handlebars meant for people in wheel chairs
to slowly lower myself down to the seat
I wiped my forehead that was now covered in sweat
and waited for the fireworks to begin
a sharp stabbing pain gripped my insides
I let out a loud "Oh"
I let go of all my inhibitions
I stopped worrying about it being embarrassing

I grabbed the handlebars
at first just a little trickle started to spew
but then a Gusher started pouring out of me
two weeks worth of rock hard sewage came flooding through
the dam had finally broke
chunks of dead matter flowed through continuously
it ceased for brief moments
only to quickly return to a full streams
I let out sounds of a dead man being brought back to life
a menstruation of epic proportions
releasing a months worth of waste
in a matter of minutes

I don't know what to do with my self
so I think about you
cause you've got it
and you flaunt it
you are their own reflection
you like one of charles mansons lost children
being interviewed by barbara walters
they hand you tissues
while they hook us in chains
you're the one we gaze at
among a universe of stars
we claim you as ken
we put trust in you
in not to do anything
but enjoy yourself
and let us all know how it feels
it's just a ritual at this point
overkill
like in everything
an idea sparks
but then quickly dims
like a game of telephone
who's message rings clearer
we march and we whistle
we make it come true
some great fantasy
a queen bee
a Prime example
oh to all us fuck ups
how we all just need an easy friend
it passes the time
breaths in the wind

my hideousness is my virtuosity
my ugly charm
my sad and lonely song
my empty breaths
kill the messenger
we know what's best
as the wheel keeps changing
scorned fragments
regretful past
the hero and the villain
from red to blue to green
extinguished view
sorrowful moan
where did i go wrong?
watching it disintegrate

oh how it fails us
how nothing is ever good enough
what a waste of time
these gods
these fairy tales
any excuse will do
oh to escape this cold dead Earth
that taunts our existence
WHY
how can you live on forever?
cold and silent
with no direction
no sense of self
yet you carry on
without the slightest bit of care
we can destroy ourselves
and you
but you still won't answer
so we call you names
the moon
the sun
the stars
so that we Think we understand
but you still confuse us
with your blank empty stare
if we could share your valor
if we could walk with your conviction
I guess that's it
the beauty is in the question
the answer is death.

oh stained images
forgotten smells
preserved and procured
so pitiful as we
the ant scurries
feeling the same panic we do
as I burn off the flies wings
and pluck the spiders legs
they bathe in that darkness
that crushing sense of survival
I will eat you
as you eat me
and we'll shit out eat others remains
for the Earth to swallow

where is there no darkness hiding
where is this omnipotent light
under the belly of leaches
flowing through its fangs
protruding through bruises
in red stained eyes
shall we savor this moment
shall we be still
as the clouds form above us
and the ground swells
as the stench of disloyalty
lies soaked in our bed
let the howls of stray animals consumes us

as we all die in exile
building this fortress
where the only giant to fear
is our own reflection
lined in the darkness

you talk of diamonds
and I can't help but think
of that old sonic youth song
the one about kurts death
and the dying movement
I remember watching 18,000 people Leave
as they rolled out the hits
"Oh you're so intelligent"
you screamed at me from up on the stage
I was repulsed by what I saw
the mockery
our blood turning to wax
we are all statues now
held firmly in our proudest moment
perfectly positioned
as silver turns gray
with dust in our cheek bones
and our waning smiles
standing tall
so irreverent and abstract
if they could see through these eyes
a thousands years
gone in an instant

church bells in rome
while I listen to sirens
you see the pantheon
as I see industrial waste
"Give me Diamonds" she says
while I beg for spare change

for to have walked these same streets
as the meek and the hopeless
when those church bells ring
the sound echos through us


oh how you whisper
and it screams through the hills
make trees winds blow
and give salt to the Earth
all in an instance
justice for all
we watch and we listen
where as you are in heaven
we are all trapped in hell
but you bring us from hell
and forgive us our sins

your empathy exhumes
and lays waste to the struggle
making our long days end
with joy from the word
of a future
of truth
of someone who made it
from the trenches to star light
oh how you whisper
and the world gets more still

no one
nowhere
nothing
but yet there it is
everywhere I look
their smiles
their common joy
their happiness
staring me in the face
through impenetrable glass
waving and saluting
acting as if it's fair
acting as though this is how it was meant to be
them with everything
while I stand cold and displaced
not one shred of hope
not one glimmer of satisfaction
yet to carry on
mangled and weakened
delusional dreams
defending my spirit
from the crushing truth
that's lurking
in the smiles of my adversaries
joy from suffering
the truth is the devil
disguised as enlightenment.

ode to the sweet sluts that show me kindness
knowing my worthlessness
knowing my bitter horizon
they smile on me in spite of the odds
they comb back my hair
and tell me things are not so bad
that there's still lots to learn
lot's to do
lot's to see
to enjoy.
and I listen
I listen to their pretty faces.
their pretty faces and their fucked up teeth
their gums showing just enough
just enough to make them hate themselves
enough to go for a guy like me
so for the sluts I save my love
all the love I've ever been given

everything I know
everything I am
all I posses
here for the taking
as they politely show me the door
I know going my way out
it was fun while it lasted
if just for a night
but for a life time
if we die tomorrow
it was worth the risk
knowing not how to love
but just to be loved
if only for an instant
a smile, a wink, a nod
condolences
for my failings
just like my mother
which is why I can't stay
and I, like their father
which is why it won't keep
knowing it's wrong
before the first kiss
but we try anyways
and pretend that it fits
we laugh
sharing some common wisdom
collecting stones along the riverbank
for when the next taker calls
it will mean that much more.

oh these worthless words
so contrived and futile
these cold hands
so pitiful
some change in a cup
dead roses in the street
water on fire
senile and full of dysfunction
veins showing
eyes closed
nowhere to turn
no one to look up to
what a waste
these dreams of you
to wake up in shame
sick with desire
an open wound
the parasite and its host
this infectious rhyme
this incoherent mumbling
these quite foot steps
under that raging sun
never recognized
always ridiculed
we search for our belongings
as we tirelessly feud
how nothing matters
in the aftermath of day dreams
how it all vanishes
in the face of blue skies

eat the worm
and let the worm eat you
the dirt
the filth
wallowing decay
let us turn these pages
with fear and heartache
moments pass
emotionless contempt
drifting pale-wood
wavering discontent
as colors fade
this bloodless wine
this tasteless air
so ill-conceived
so easily forgotten
so unregrettable
worthless in its wake
these silent bushels
this mindless mummification
so petty
ignorant and sterile
chasing those dead leaves
piling on the cold surface
the sun not as bright
the moon hidden by dark clouds
cold and dreary
alone and unwanted
gifts unsent
letters unread
thoughts unspoken
the squeal of the pig
the moan of the bull
the monkeys laugh
all taunting my sleeplessness
mocking my convictions
shall I rise
or fall
it makes no difference
in darkness

go ahead
travel the fucking world
see if I care
may I write a thousand poems
and may they all be in vain
these proses
these jokes
these sad innuendos
these irrelevant insinuations
god how I would ravage you
how I would crush your dam
I can see it in your eyes
your desperation
your sadness
you clinging on to whatever you can
punching holes in the sky
burning fossils
sucking up the blood of the Earth
and spitting it back up in its face
how I envy you
how I wake up in jealousy
how every line is more meaningful than the last
and how it's more meaningless to you
how I search for the words
to reach your fragile mind
to speak from the heavens
and make time stand still
I would do it all for you
even if it were for no reason at all.

oh my tired life
how many times can I ask you to remember?
these flashbacks
these dreamscapes
these woven pastures
these tiny statues
let us all die together
one by one
a race for the prize
let the last one standing
have pride in his heart
we did things right didn't we?
didn't we leave a big enough mess?
to be remembered.
to be tragic
to be soft spoken
to be nobody
one by one
let their frail souls crumble
and send the dust to the sky
to burn in the sun
puke up this poison
drain these rotten pipes
flush out these sewers
and begin anew

I am that worthless piece of shit
I have nothing
I want nothing I am nothing
even in death
even in anguish
in absolute despair
in a rage of pathetic absurdity
the unabomber was a mamas boy
jeffry dahmer felt remorse!
the marines the army the air force
professional death squads
I'm no war hero
and I've never been in love
worthless worthless
suicide would pay compliment
self mutilation is just
the girls laugh
the men shout
so I keep in the shadows
with my pocket knife still
against overwhelming odds
hoping for global notoriety
for doing nothing at all
how I hate them all
not out of spite
out of disgust.
so I cut myself
I drowned my sorrow
I chew pills like mouthfuls of candy
I hold my breath
anything to make it quiet
I clinch my fists as tight as I can
I muscle my way through
I stand and I wait
I wait eternally
for nothing at all

everyday: quicker, shorter, faster
while I'm slower, careless, and exhausted
what good is it anyways
what was it ever really worth
we live and we die
we make gestures between
scurrying ants
on the christmas tree
light the torch
burn the cross
make paradise a reality
take hold of that light
that quiet shrill
that diminishing light
oh dreaded passage
oh perilous venture
where can we hide
but in each others hearts
let's be secrets
from gods judgment
night winds
drifting fog
the spies among us
unraveling lies
can we keep this one promise
to remember whats true
to be faithful if not to each other
but just to the truth
oh great treasured beauty
oh significant one
where will these roads lead us
beyond what's left behind

All pussies deserve to get fucked.

don't tell me I'm beautiful
don't mention my remarkable features
they're not remarks I want heard
sorrow etched in my brow
my lips sagging to my chin
my eyes sunk deep in their sockets
oh to my miserable appearance
my damned existence
sit on my lap and tell me it's wonderful
my ugliness
my empty pockets
sit on my lap and tell me it's all been worth while
this mindless adventure
with your hand on my cheek
wash away these sins
your hand in my hair
corroding my memory
how awful it can be
so painful and fruitless
help me take this breath
help me understand
whisper some solid truth in my ear
and let it be sweet
let it be kind
let it be words I need spoken
in your warm and tender embrace
calming the storm that riles in me
your statuesque cheeks
your goddess like smile
your forgiving laughter
give me reprisal
give me protection
give me wisdom
in this wicked world
your truth is so dear

with no one to tell us no
we tried it all
no walls
no boundaries
no questions
just the air in our lungs
and blood in our fists
sell what we can
and trade the rest
every day
another day in training
how we survive
the wheel still spinning
the daylight burning
notice how lightly they step
while we claw and mangle our way through
buried under bodies
under grief and misfortune
under principles left misunderstood
no one tells us what to do
no one ever showed us how
we picked up ourselves
and we walk alone
with no god, no deliverance
heeding no call

knowing the lie
as all those told before it
of a perfect happiness

no one can do it better
the shape of my mold
we clean our own wounds
we put it in place
we stacked these pieces
and stored them away
where no one would find them
where no one would ever dare convene
in the bowels of hell
in a box of time
in the mirror
where truth is uglier than sin
no one can follow these paths
no one will find my grave
for where ever lies a tombstone
baring my name
let it be known that there I do not rest
I will claw and mangle my way out of that tinder box
out from this cold dead Earth
and into the stars

Is it a waste of time
these thoughts
from nothing of me
this charity
who's feeding who
is it virtuous?
this selflessness
this sacrifice

so minuscule
these helpless winds
under your guiding light
my trail of darkness
these perfect waves
against these rigid rocks
resting in the sky
dead and dormant
while you rage
with infinite heat
giving life
providing hope
rivaling my fear
these contradictions
these obvious lies
this contemptuous fortitude
manifesting jealousy
shrilling out devastation
into the calm
angels and minions
you soften the stone
with just one glance
a solace gesture
towards this burning lamp
from the tears in the ice caps
to the blood in the sierra
your present embrace
in this pit of eternal darkness

give me dirty harry
give me Kurt Cobain
Give me William Burroughs
Give me Hunter S Thompson
Give me Hemingway

down to that black guy
waving a pistol in my face
for me yelling at him
cause his friend stole my money

down to that 18 year old kid
that took a couple in the back
for having sold some fake dope
as he crawled up onto my neighbors porch
spouting blood like a leaky faucet

down to that cop
that shot poor Oscar Grant
in the back of the head
at point blank range
while his hands were cuffed
and behind his back
laying on his stomach
the crowd standing there watching
as that cop calmly laid him to rest

but dirty Harry's cool
Dirty Harry never misses
no innocent bystanders ever catch one of his bullets
he knows what he's doing
he's righteous in his aim
it's HIS RIGHT
we all have the right
to maim, kill, and destroy
whoever we like
whenever we like
for whatever reason
it's OUR RIGHT
to be blood thirsty savages
to jealousy guarding our thrift stores and mac and cheese
to kill anyone who dares get in our way
letting the birds and the maggots help them on their way to a better place.

we are all killers
we are all rapists and murderers
thieves and liars
that's why we have jesus
to forgive us for being human
to forgive us for not giving a fuck
about what happens
here on this Earth
as it is in Heaven.

give me that shotgun
that pistol
that 45
that hand gun
that colt revolver
that machete
and then give me something to kill
point me in any direction
just say the word
stand us all up in a row
get us walking side by side
with death in our footsteps
sound the alarms
fire the cannons
stow piles of gold and silver
sweep the canals
make the rivers run with blood
give us a flag
write us a song
give us a reason
fill our hearts with fear
so that we lust for reprisal
fill our minds with so much hate
that we can no longer sleep
whomever our enemy is
where ever he sleeps
I pity his fate
however the names are spelled
we will change these streets
we will mark our steps
with our boots soaked in blood
pride and glory in these fields of death
whomever they are we will enslave them
do not stray from the fight
where ever it stands stand with it
for I will give my life to swim in it's divinity

I am punk rock
I am this river of bullshit
it stirs from my molecules
a grain of sand on the beach
making up lies
and half truths
about miracles
and disciples
keeping up these grand delusions
of universal justice
dignity and virtuosity
magic spirits that roam the Earth
hydrogen-oxide

with a tank full of gas
boatloads of cash
rocket fuel in my veins
and a knife on the dash
warrants everywhere I go
for all the wrong I've done
no where to go but down baby
might as well close our eyes and jump
78,79
the 1830s
all we got is now
and time aint on our side
trust your instincts
pull the trigger
let your aim be true
we got but one shot left
make this one count

She lived down the street
she liked wearing baby doll dresses
and listening to Hole and Marylin Manson
she had a pool in her back yard
pinball machines and pool tables in the basement
it was heaven on Earth

one night we had a party
we were sharing a wooden bench in the back
I turned to her and asked

"So you wanna make out a little?"
"Sure!" she said smiling. Acting as if she'd taken a dare.

we walked through the party
into the middle of a field
we plopped down
both of us drunk
I stuck my tongue in her mouth
and started playing with her tits

"you wanna give me a blowjob?" I said with wet lips.
"it always messes with my head" she said scrunching her hair.
"oh cmon." I pleaded
"it trips me out"

she was smiling when she said it
so I took that as a green light.
I pulled it out
she put it in her mouth
I could tell right away that she knew what she was doing
I came quickly.
and she swallowed it all.
she rose up laughing and smiling.
a decadent grin showing through the curtains
of her long black curly hair.

I laid there looking up at the stars.
and we felt good for a moment.
Like the people at the party were some how beneath us.
like we'd one upped them all.

She sucked my dick a lot that summer
so much so that I eventually moved in
once her family caught wind that I was homeless
I think her mom liked being looked at
always prancing around in her bikini.
with the body of a teenager.

but like with most things I grew tired of it
and she eventually took to fucking my friends
one time me and a friend both fucked her at the same time
I was wearing one of her skirts.
the boredom driving us to madness.

eventually she moved far far away.
to California, of which I was so jealous.
some where in orange county.
one day I was smoking a bowl watching tv
"Come on down! you're the next contestant on the price is right"
I almost coughed up a lung when I saw her mom running down the aisle.
I quickly through a blank VHS cassette into the vcr and hit record
I sat in disbelief as the most amazing day of Bob Barkers entire career unfolded.

not only was her opening bid exactly right, winning her 500 dollars.
but then she won the car.
she spun the big wheel and landed on 1 Dollar giving her 10,000 dollars
and then in the final showcase showdown.
she guessed within 50 dollars of her entire showcase.
winning BOTH SHOW CASES.
a total sweeping victory

it was the most impressive showing I'd ever seen in all my years of watching that show. and It was my old girlfriends mom. I felt like I'd achieved something just in knowing her. later she told me her mom put most of it in storage and then it ended up being a pain in the ass paying all the taxes on it. But in the moment she was in bliss. the TV gods smiled on her. and I was a witness.


she had kept in contact with one of my friends
and a one hundred and fifty dollar phone bill later
she came to visit him.
she brought a video camera
I was filming them dancing in the back yard
I quietly sang
"its raining its pouring. the old man is boring"
into the microphone while they danced like elves.

later she would tell me that that was her favorite moment on film.

a few days of her stay with him
and I invited them over to where I was staying.
I bought us some 'Flintstone orange push-up pops'
I gave her a cunning look while she was enjoying her treat
"You are such a PERVERT" she yelled out laughing.
"What?" I innocently responded. the smile on my face impossible to hide.

my friend went out for a smoke
and I immediately through her onto my bed.
she started rubbing on me and
I crammed my hand down her pants
rubbing my finger against her soft wet clit
she gasped

the garage door opened and my friend came back inside.
"What the Fuck?" he said standing over us.
"What man? we're just laying here." I said with my arm around her.
"This is bullshit man. fuck this!" He said with his hands in the air.
"Dude? chill out. what the fuck man? She's here to have a good time." I said raising up a little.

She made no effort to get out of my bed
as my friend made his way out to his car.
I heard him drive off as I grabbed her hair and made her kiss me
she said she felt bad.
but it made no difference to me
I'd missed her.
and now was our time.

she wouldn't suck my dick
"just kiss it." I begged.
"ok" she finally said.
I whipped it out
standing it straight up to show off it's might in the tv's glow
she pulled her hair back and very gracefully puckered her lips
giving it a nice gentle loving kiss on the side of the head
I grabbed her hair and held her head down
and made her watch me jerk off
I stuffed it in her mouth really hard when I came
and like always she drank it like it were medicine

and then, we laid there.
in the basement
staring up at the crumbling ceiling
sharing sighs of relief for having made most of the moment
knowing there was no future to be had.

so long are these nights
here without your grace
your valor astonishes me
your willingness to abide
never over shadowed
by your simple surroundings

those untraceable motives
a guiltless swaggar
you tell them all when to sit
where to stand
how to walk
what to say
how to act
you're everyone's mother
so full are your hands

ugh.. hold on my cat just threw up

ok I'm back
where was I
Oh yes.
What finesse
oh prideful contagion
masterful integrity
pieced together
from all the elements known to man

a vision
an image
the genuine article
wrapped in gold
your faults are our faults
your pride is my pride
enough tears to fill the ocean
enough screams to horrify the night
enough love to burn a hole in the sky
enough fear to keep a nation bonded
the whole world clinging to your effortless stride
like a chariot in winter
the beat goes on

motionless and omnipotent
against these ever crashing waves
this was always the way
an escape route from hell
secret blueprints
spelling out disaster
unclogging the drain
with one last fix
a long kiss good night

no one ever made him talk
they couldn't break him
no matter how they tried

this sad affair
our empire in ruins
he never saw it crumble

shock waves
against the steel frame
the foundation still remains
the victors spoils
history was written
it all came closing in
from the first siege
till the final surrender
so prideful and exuberant
time standing still
the lights were on
the timing was right
the crowds all knew their place
glory and righteousness
reveling in mischief
if only for a day

don't feel good for me when I die
don't claim it to have ended my suffering
don't claim my passing as some delicate moment
where I supposedly met god
somewhere in outer space
if my memory stands at all
let it stand for pain
don't pity my grave
don't stand over my bones
my spirit is eternal
like dog shit in the street

no creation
no preservation
jokes yet untold

only I know what I was thinking
only I know how it goes
the only one who's lived through this
the only one who knows
understanding the answers
lost in space
the hopeless future

oh my heavy sorrow
my waking hardships
bittersweet imperishables

they took advantage of the moment
and put it to good use
everybody got rich
no one could've done it better
had they been given the chance

so mourn the thrill of being genius
its lonely understandings
its heavy breathing
it's temples and skulls
our distant array
our conflated hegemony
so many passages
so many days spent
looking up to see her
as if It never went away

I remember
I remember
like an infinite wall I can't climb
but I can see the other side
just enough to make me Want to climb
more tattoos
more radioactive waste
more impenetrable sounds
more dead fingernails
how much more can we stand
how much more till it breaks
I've stood here waiting
I've out waited them all
I paid my respects
I paid my dues
now I've worn out this vinyl
and my records clean
all I want is just a taste
a small piece of reprisal
some red carpet somewhere
Bangladesh
Pakistan
I don't care
just make the marker
and show me where to stand
so I can catch that light
and rest peacefully
in the minds of others

we're always young
and we're always beautiful
I remember where I was
when I heard the news

there's only so much ground
before it starts to lose its magic
for keeps sake
one small piece
woven and engraved

take these worthless moments
trade them in at birth
for anything left
for whatever still responds

under these mirrors
these stethoscopes
these blue skied cemeteries
this cold hard floor
this manic halation
dressed in nightmares
bound by sorrow
cloaked in despair
hollowed by intrigue
shadowed by doubt
a child trapped under rubble
still breathing and reaching out.

could it have happened any other way?
5 seconds too soon
5 seconds late
did we build these bridges
did we claim these vices
to look back
on this frozen rose
everything set perfectly
preserved divinity
imagine wind
imagine shoe laces
the view from up high
fish tanks
scattered furniture
tv trays
a quick fix
hurried and confused
but amongst this anarchy
a perfect lighting
a musical silence
flashes of euphoria
when everything was right
and the gods stood on our side

I could cut off your head
and bury it in the lake
a thousand years would go by
before they gave up their search
ecstasy and boredom
dreams and fairy tales
here I stand vanquished
while there you stand prized
these jagged steps
these winding roads
the Earth is not big enough
to hold your heart
tears of vanity
pride in servitude
you know they don't love you
they only want to love themselves
and you give that to them
selfless and unashamed
courageous and diligent
where are these mountains
where are these fields of gold
I see you still searching
while I rest in decline

cmon Andy
you got tickets to every ride
let's go do something
while the cameras are rolling
where else but here
right then just now
the race is still going
it's all around us
watching and listening
say something
Anything
don't just stand there
let them have it
tell them how you really feel
it's now or never
go for the throat
I know you still have it
you know what they did
how they are
what they think
Nothing's Changed!
they're all still out there
begging to be set free
so don't hesitate
take a deep breath
and wipe out their world

oh god we should have died
took the easy way out
to suffer this continuum
to endure this prolonging
just for crumbs
just for shadows
a shake of the cup
nothing much left
surrounded by strangers
these relinquished duties
incredulously poised
for a profitless motive
these meaningless virtues
these painstaking choices
don't touch the painting
it's complete

it was another long day
my pain has worsened.
while I lie in this gutter
just about out of pills
I'll enjoy these last few

and where are you? Paris?
for some reason I always imagine you in Paris
high on cocaine
talking a million miles an hour
about something Brilliantly important
then your favorite song comes on the radio
and for a moment everything is perfect
that's how I always imagine it
you standing up above me
beaming with pride
happy with your friends
every joke funnier than the last
with kisses so sweet
so I sit in those moments
so impossibly real
though seeming so clear
I can almost smell the air
while the rats stir my bed
and break my focus
I still think of you
from my stay in this gutter.
forgive me my love
the rats insist it's time for some rest

sometimes I go back in time
and see things as they once were
but I can't anymore
I've ran out of space
the world has stopped spinning
the moon stopped glowing
the sun stopped burning
the animals mute
the ocean waves silent
cold shrewd darkness creeping up my neck
with no one to guide me
outside of this pit
so I tread and I carry through
in hopes of what awaits will bring peace
but I know what's waiting
it's the past.
in all of it's makeup
every stroke of the pen
every sentence I've muttered
my entire life's work
in the blink of an eye
grimace and bear it
take it all in
plunge into that darkness
soak in it's danger
breathe deep sighs of relief
let go of the future
quench your remains.

All my love
just for you
as it's always been
it's a shame I'm not famous
you'd fuck me in a heart beat
oh the things I could do
I'd jump on the table at a fancy restaurant and scream
"I hate you People! What are you looking at!?"
and then punt the fresh bread.
I could have endless rolls of film
I could drink the best wine
take the best drugs
and all for Free.

but I have all that now.
I can jump on tables at fancy restaurants and scream!
"I HATE YOU PEOPLE! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"
I can take pictures all day.
my cups always full
and my minds always wandering
I never needed them
I never needed anyone
so I don't jump on tables
fancy or otherwise.

not anymore.

not just any poem
nor merely for any soul
the greatest of All poems
not for its prose
not for it's wording
not for it's ability to transcend
but just for it's being
and the simple pleasures it represents

weary daydreams
fathoming oblivion
where can it take us
what answers begot
so many examples
of statements unheard
wishes and hexes
are the Gods listening?
if not, then it's just you and me.

nowhere else are these words more clearer
than in the mind of my muse
where moths catch flame
and spiders nest
where beauty lies still
beyond the coldness
beyond what's been saved
from the root of the atom
where soft smoke permeates
and the truth lies skinned and bare.

oh my god
who are you people?
What's the Meaning of all this?
Who gives a Fuck?
all this money
the fancy cars
you're all liars
you Stole all of it
a monkey in a tin can
shot off into space
What's the fucking point?
Either the monkey comes back
or the monkey dies.
you give me ammo
you finance these wounds
you put up these barricades
while the Earth still shakes
make a monument
a golden tomb
castles made of diamonds
weapons made of bone
the blood and the muscle will still survive
can we get it right just this once
can we say Enough?

unplug the tv
smash the computer
trash the paper
and breathe some fresh air

count the maggots
burn them from your sweater
listen to them cheer
so blind and gluttonous
chewing everything in their path
is it any wonder
we see from up high
to have this as our chamber?
these fools
these nomads
bumping into walls
carrying out meaningless orders
guarding the rubble

just make a safe passage
and do what comes natural
try and make it home

"you can say good things
you can say bad things
it still won't stop the terror"
says Thurston Moore
yes they can recognize you
from a million miles away
Godzilla
Genghis Khan
from strip clubs
to red carpets
spilling blood
a crushing force
are they all wrong
well than why do they look up
when someone mentions your name

seeing meaning
its motor running
oh what will they think next
other than to forget
will they pay their respects
before the clock stops ticking
take notice of this atom bomb
it's fuse partially lit
as the world still trembles
and bows at your whim

for whom are we to judge
our shattered remains
our empty coffins
our signature all that's left
this complacent focus
our unyielding principles
who's to say what's right
when this is all we know

collecting stardust
shake the jar
watch it glow
the moons shadow
dressing our night
let us be merry
in spite of our odds
let demons rest
let monikers fade
remembering sunshine
that once cloaked our neck
as we lay down new roads
for onlookers to cross

so many times I've heard
from the depths of their imagination
describing in great detail
what in their minds must be
the most disgusting place on Earth

oh, your tortured vagina
your tattered womb
so many travelers
so many takers
abused and disposed of
chewed up and disgorged
how awful it must be
they readily disclaim

for when I envision rose beds
_they see a rock tunnel
while I taste wine
_they spit out poison
from where I sense elegance
_they stand on landfills
as I speak in kindness
_they're barking out lies

is my vision skewed
am I looking through lenses
for to me nothing matches
this fair ladies appendage.

they stand on the stage
and curse its existence
they write out the lines
then regret having written
they preach and they moan
about the less fortunate
then never confront
those whom pro-port it
as soon as your famous
it all goes away
they invite you to come
but never to stay
so bang on the walls
until they cave
kill all the guards
and free all the slaves
make them despise you
make them take note
let their jealousy kindle
while you stay afloat
mockingly whisper
show them how to behave
punk rockers are visceral
and pop stars are staged

it's all in a gesture
a simple idea
from dirt hills to highways
come pagans and deists

let the grave robbers frolic
let them all play
cause we know who's winning
come the end of the day
don't let boredom heed you
nor strike what you say
the candles still burning
for the queen of decay

our glass prison
our servitude
wave and say hello
capture it on film
await the verdict
and give thanks to the day
our heroic victim
our superfluous icon
your army of contention
your wand of dysfunction
let us know this at once
let us feel our divide
emotionless sensors

we cough and we stumble
we're cold to the touch
we worship the barrier
and cross out the gates
there is no one watching
from anywhere else
we are our own masters
each step that we take

where else is this madness?
where else but here?
in our spacial dwelling
driven by fear

Aren't you relieved when you come back to the States?

where we chew bubble gum and act tough
our heads full of big ideas
peeking at each other through the blinds
with our shotguns ready
waiting for sirens
to sound off Armageddon
race cars and speed limits
cigarettes and weed
pain killers and heroin
cheap knock offs made in china
maximized debt
over flowing slaughterhouses
prisons and high schools
with know-it-alls standing on every corner
awaiting a crowd
to tell them how Wrong they are

oh to clumsy Americans
one trampling over the other
suffocating and pummeling each other
just to get through.

though if not for their mischievous greed
there'd be no pyramids to climb
no dreams to chase
no walls to break down.

So keep your prosperity Europa!
for amongst a nation of thieves is where I fit best.

look at this ogre
acting proud
wearing a shirt from fucking K-mart

and look at this wench.
with hair style of old
with her broom stick and black cat on hand

do these idiots still exist?
how can they not know?
they know nothing at all

to fall in love and bear a child
only to watch it be destroyed
to take on the world
in a justified role
only to be mocked and despised

a dear john letter soaked in blood
even today I am astonished
"he really fucking did that..."
twas like 9/11
but for art

oh but she has so much fun
making them dance
watching them play
listening to them scream
it's such an easy game to play
teaching them how to sing
feeding the fish
like a babies toy
kicking them in the ass
for they were born to follow

I just thought of three more poems
but I was too slow to write them down
I know you're reading them
and that makes me feel well
to give you this love
this adoration
these small tokens of respect
I don't care what anyone thinks
you're my kind of girl

all the names
all the insults
let it sprinkle like ash
forgive them
for they know not what they do

you climbed to the top of the mountain
you reached the highest peak
only to be let down again

your glow
your stride
your soft embrace
your wild imperfections
against the grain
so impervious

it's nothing short of a miracle
that either of us still exist
to enjoy this moment
for one last kiss
for one last aching breath

ignite inspiration
chisel the stone
excess in paradise
access oblivion

a pocketful of miracles
from senseless apostles
candlelit depravity
spoonfuls of forgiveness

surrounding conspiracies
within a council of confusion
murmuring discourse
of discontent

and of our transient solitude
let them wonder
let them question
let them beg for clues
fulfilling our destiny
as it comes apart

your wandering eyes
in risk of dreaming
while sweet tranquility
flows up the vein.

resiliently burning
for those who stand timeless
these fleeting breaths
our waning pulse

forcing each letter
our broken compass
the futures desire
burying our paths

waiting for the sun
for the ocean
for sails to take flight
as children run
along busy streets
flick the ashes
throw it all away
this empty vessel
these cold winds
throw it all away

effortlessly wicked
eternally bleeding
for souls left unsaved

staring at these photos
at these gaping wounds
a cup of blood
pen and paper
open hands
spinning her web of perfection
stare into the thick moss
into the lost and angry child
reminiscing on things unheard
unforgotten dreams
secret promises
carrying these ashes
no disparage unclaimed

as soft as snow
on icy rocks
the blood flowing through our lips
as we live to breed another day

you took the lead
now you earn your keep
day in and day out
we keep breathing
smoke a cigarette
take a break
they'll wait
they always do

from someone from nowhere
to someone everywhere at once
a million poems spring forth

from someone who gave nothing
to the queen of sacrifices
no analogy is just

from the gazing spectator
towards the glowing spectacle
no commemoration is fair

from birth
till death
the sky is bare

the pain from yesterdays parties
lodged in our temples
set in our bones
the punishment for time well spent

leaving markers for those whom follow
footsteps in the snow
how many more miles

another candle spent
another empty toilet paper roll
here regretting the morning
after another long night

the sun is wasted on us
our pale skin
no gardens
no memories

just a softly spoken secret
of forevermore
etched into the public eye
and streaming through the stars

how many highways
how manys thrusts
dark alleys
and pockets full of cash
we're so much better off as trouble
Why do they ever ask us to play right?
the world that we created
the world that created us
it's just a dream baby
you'll wake up
and find yourself at home
safe in your bed
we can't all have nightmares
enjoy it while you can

you be andy warhol
and I'll play Basquiat
I'll give you some street
and you show me some lights
tattoos and nose jobs
drugs versus pharmaceuticals
you put your best face on
and I'll just wear what I have on
redemption
like the sun towards the end of winter

let me look through your window
and see who looks back
flash the camera just once
hit the record button
strum a g chord
take a chance
see what happens
just as someone once did on you

so save a space for me
even if I come late
cause I'm real baby
I got the night on my side.
I'm coming from the bottom looking up
in with the rest of the crowd.

what's in a name

so spoiled
keys to every city
an all access pass to the world
yet still you want more
and worse yet you want it handed to you
as if we're in Your debt.

when you owe US everything
we build the pedestals
we form the lines
we donate our treasure
and provide the servants
when all we ask
is that you be Interesting
that you play the songs Right.
tell us the story
layout our future
we don't care if it's good
we just want it done Right

but turn on the lights
and we'll scatter like roaches

is there anything left?
is this our excuse?
another fad just came and went
and I didn't even catch its name
keep it steady
don't hang on
jello biafra seems fine
exemplifying mediocrity
fading into obscurity
resting in the shade

me, I want to hold on
I can still remember

the smell
the taste
the feel
the sounds
the music
the laughter
the snow

where have we drifted
some long distant space
muted and rustic
weightless and impotent.
into a tomb of refuge
with echos of liberty
ringing in our ears

oh sweet delirium
help me mutter these words
she's famous
it's in her blood
if I can catch her eye
then my work will be done
but she's fucking that dude from jane's addiction
the biggest let down of all let downs
if not for Perry's surfer punk poetry
his guitar playing would have gone unnoticed
oh to finger bang the queen
such a euphoric notion
to have the lips of the virgin mary on my tongue
fucking him she's going nowhere
when I'm already there

dear Courtney Love,

what time is it there?
you're in new york it says
I'm in san francisco
things are busy here too
too busy for me to want to keep up
who are you these days?
what role are you playing?
where are you off to next?
Italy
Spain
Amsterdam
liverpool?

sitting on a plane
talking to whomever will listen
you put your make up on
and think about your career
keeping track
being your own secretary

but what makes you so special?
why's your name in lights and not mine?
Is it cause you got tits?
I got tits
but mine are from being lazy
not the kind of tits that sell

bah, you're just lucky is all.
you fucked the right person at the right time
just like every other nickel and dime hussy that slept her way to the top

maybe that's what keeps you going
holding on to that lottery ticket for dear life
smile for the camera
open up and say ah
sign on the dotted line.

I was screaming at you
with all of my might
but the lights weren't on
and you weren't home.

oh great trickster
my how you fooled them all
picking their pockets clean
with the smile of an infant
they all came to know you
they all learned how to pronounce your name

the rich and their forked tongues
always with venom in their voices
the poor girl from beverly hills
she smells
and she burps

"watch her. Make sure she doesn't put anything in her purse."

Let them roll their eyes
let them sneer
because we know
when their backs are turned
we can rob them blind

oh mother Mary
take us to his grave
lay down next to it
so we can take a picture
cmon, just one more picture
tell us what it was like
while you wear this black veil
let us pretend
like it just happened
how it felt
on that fateful day
oh how we all came together
to celebrate loneliness
give us just a taste
exhale some sweet nostalgia
we'll foster it
like a taxidermist

it went quadruple platinum
it changed the world
cmon, tell us what was it like?
did he have a small penis?
did his breath stink in the morning?
did he really love you?
why do You think he did it?
you were close to him.
c'mon, tell us what it was like.

the watch has stopped
the crowds have all gone home
the ticker tape parade was yesterday
the celebration finished
like it were a million years ago
like it never even really happened at all
And who are we now?
what choices do we have
its all such a complicated mess
yet all so perfectly clear

the letters signed
the envelopes sealed
everything filed and organized
like a concentration camp
filled with dead souls
the cold stare of time
weighing on our backs
ignore the pigeons
the mindless fervor that followed
we had the world in our clutches
now we have but a string
something to hold on to
to haunt us in our slumber

Elvis fell from the toilet
clutching his chest
puking up fried bananas
and shitting out steaming pickle juice
his pants around his ankles
his fat ass in the air
sewage seeping from all of his pores
his mistress must've screamed
oh! royal leader
oh great one
your flock turned a blind eye
towards your tender soul
always demanding MORE
give us MORE oh great one
piss down our throats
shit in our breakfast
whip us
beat us
it will only make us love you MORE

as you headbutt the floor
on your way to heaven
a swan dive of perfection
glory be thy name

the crows are calling
put the pictures away
abandon the grave
shrinking in the distance
they left us behind
here to wander
searching for sunlight
in every direction
their darkness set them free
while ours holds us captive
claw at the walls
scream at the guard
we give in
we succumb
telling them whatever they want to hear
speaking in their truths
that we know are lies
just to get some space
to entice them
into loosening up these chains

dear courtney,

your handlers have handlers
oh great impoverished heiress,
"DRIVER STOP!"
leave your luggage
someone will make good of it.
can we see?
let us look
let us peer
let us poke through your belongings with a stick
so as not to damage any evidence
but everything is damaged
everything is soiled and rotten
there is only so much powder
and that won't always be your favorite dress
for the colors will fade
and the blemishes shine through

dear Courtney Love,

if that is your real name
you wreak of death
like a soft perfume
a natural fragrance that omits from your glands
your shadow is everywhere
in a tunnel
on the moon
etched in stone
you can do no wrong
for you're as natural as the wind
you follow your own footsteps
heal the sick
deliver the poor
you're the devil
the greatest of all consequences
a chain link fence
feces

they print out your name
with such familiarity
like an adopted child
they regret
but they love you
though not the way you would wish
and my how your jealous rage continues
how you never give up
forever lurking
like the watch tower watches over the sea.

there can't be a revolution without participants,
apathetic majority in descent
form a gang and storm the walls
with handkerchiefs and molotovs

kill the piper
drag his face in mud
kill the piper
drain his blood
kill the piper
hang him High
kill the piper
take their lives

masked by night,carry out our deeds
one by one odds favoring
burn their homes ,snuff out their families
use their bones to decorate the streets

kill the piper
take off his hood
kill the piper
for the better good
kill the piper
until he's dead
kill the piper
cut off his head

oh how we wish and we dream
with each step
each thought
each breath
we fight every second
we race
we climb
and claw
we rip and we shake
crafting
plotting
we sacrifice
mobilize
and plunge
forming a tight grip
and never letting go
on god
on life
on science
on thought
on time
until it's ripped from our clasp
and even as it's drifting we cling to it's majesty

allied with the sun
we strive

my dead angel
cloaked in darkness
weightless and scentless
your home was long ago
time, your tomb
the world keeps spinning
without your sway

whisper in my ear
meet me in my dreams
follow my heart
haunt my spirit

I carry you like a locket in my mind
never far
yet I long for your closeness

my dead angel
how long has it been?
how I wonder
of when we'll meet again.

you're like a flower that's perfectly blossomed
just the right age
just the right amount of sunshine
just the right amount of rain

here for my plucking
to show to the world
as my prize
my gift
my find
my discovery
my glorious showing of what I know beauty to be

you're my rose
this glorious abundance of perfection
that I was intelligent enough to find

the jet screams from up above
jackhammers
car horns
the train
this busy world never seems to rest.
the wasps have built another nest.
a spider web is netted across the last one they built
I'm letting the spider in my room live so he can eat the flies

the stray cats
the caged dogs

deep breaths.
everyone, every Thing is in such a fucking rush.
I wonder if any of those wasps ever get lazy
if one's having to do all the work.
and I wonder if he complains.

lots to do today.
never enough time to get it all done.

that girl.
this girl.
those girls.

art.
songs.
poems.

I need a drink.

the writer knows all sees all.
he can part clouds
erect mountains
he knows everybody's name
he's in complete control over everything
he can read your mind
tell you whether god exists or not
what your favorite color is
he invented language
and he speaks from heaven
he's your best friend
and your worst enemy
the greatest moment of your entire life.
during the most mundane of times.
it takes forever
but sometimes he gets it right

yes, the writer is here to save the day
performing miracles
defiling oppositions
speaking solemn words of peace
to a world erupting with hatred

he exists beyond sound.
pulsating in the imagination
like the Easter Bunny
or the boogieman
it's as meaningless as time and space itself
and as capricious as the stars

I'll go to the mountains
I'll go to the shore
I aint gonna sit and wait here no more

I'll spend all my money
I'll buy you nice thingsbut a part of me tells me
it wont change a thing

I guess I better find
something else to do
something else to do
sides keeping up wit you

I guess I better find
something else to do
before I go out of my mind

what else can I say
there's nothing else to do
nothing else to do
but try to see it through

running out of time
I keep bumping into you
bump into you in my mind

touch me one more time
tell me those sweet lies
I've heard a million times
but never through your eyes.

guess I'll have to try
gettin over you
gettin over you
theres nothin left to do

forget the last line
it's something about you
and somthin bout losing my mind