all these words. all these meaningless words. I could use the entire dictionary and it still wouldn't change a thing. I could explain it as though my life were as complex as the universe itself. but I'd still be stuck where I am. alone. with the cold wind blowing in my face. without a nickel to spare. this broken watch. and the plain white walls keeping me company. how could this be it. after all I've said and done. after all those who I broke bread with. shared rooms with. stole liquor with. hid drugs from.
all these words. no where to run to but back inside my mind. where everyone's on my side. where nothing is of much importance. nothing terrible. nothing great. the calming setting of my own insanity keeping me at peace.
no one telling me what to do. what to think. only the void of constant disarray shielding me from the shrieking sounds of reality's biting tone. chewing me down to a nub. like a lost and confused dog with its leash dragging loosely behind as it runs into busy streets. I think I know what I'm doing.
this can't be it. where did you go my love? was it something I said? something I did? I thought I did everything perfectly. or at least that's the way remember it. I remember it as if the sun were always shining and every day was a blessing. while you remember screaming. I remember a warm embrace. was it really me? was I ever really even there? or was it just a dream? was it all in my head. No it couldn't be. the way you smelled. your smile when things went right. you were proud. and so was I. If the world would have shown me more good luck would you have stayed? or would I still be where I am. cold , alone, waiting to get drunk, waiting to forget it all. because the sorrow blinds me from my treasure.
all these words. none of them suffice. I could use the entire dictionary and it still wouldn't be enough. I'd still feel as hollow as always. trusting no one. with nothing to say. no where to go. it's all so trivial. down to the last charade. can we make it last one more day? before we blow it all up. a stay of execution by god. what good would it do us anyways? I'm sure we'd waste it just as we've wasted the last thousand years. I look around. they don't know anymore then I do. it's all a game. the only mystery being who's telling the greatest lie. where is the truth in all this? is it in the concrete? the steel? it's surely not in the childrens faces. knowing the world that awaits them. Who know's? not me. yet I feel sometimes as if I'm the only one who cares.
so Drink up. take a drag off that last cigarette. be sure to enjoy it this time. it may be your last
how can this be.
