the sadness comes on like a headache. it sits there in my mind and in my belly. it's underwhelming. it means about as much as a self provided orgasm. stare at the ceiling. sense the rain. the wind. the dark skies. its all in one. the wine helps. but its not a cure. day in day out. no ones there to watch me fade. no ones there to tell me I'm going bald. that my shirts not tucked in. that my jokes aren't funny. that my smile is crooked. that I'm lying. that I'm full of shit. no ones there to knock me off of my high horse. so I can just ride and ride. and nothing stands in my way because I'm on my own. you don't know me and I don't owe you. nothing special. nothing at all. not even a shadow. not even a guess. not even a question. everyones a liar though. everyone tells bad jokes. No one is perfect. but everyone seems more perfect then me. to me I'm the greatest failure that ever lived. I have no reason for staying. I have no reason for having ever been born. can I kill my neighbor and get away with it? sure I could because it's Random. no one would ever know. nor care. who cares about some nobody like my neighbor? about the same amount of people that would miss me I gather. so he could kill me. why don't we kill each other then? whats he waiting for? what am I waiting for? things get Worse over time. not better. the only way in which they get better is that you appreciate things more because of your inability to capture the moment. so in essence things are getting worse and because they're worse they're better? things taste better, smell better, act better, feel better. becuase they're losing their flavor, they're losing their touch, they're losing their mojo. more and more every day. and the more it fades the more we focus on the color. get in while the gettings good. don't wait. don't waste your time thinking about whether it's right or wrong. if it feels good DO IT cuz you only got so much time before it all becomes meaningless.