all you have to do is say hello and my whole empire falls to pieces. I work and I work and I work to build myself back up again and with the slightest breath it all comes crashing down. instantly I'm reminded that I'm a tired beat up old thief with nothing to offer but hard luck and struggle. nothing to offer but indifference. fear and anxiety. torment and despair. hardship without reprisal. nothing earned nothing gained. just breathe in breathe out. another waste of space. every dog has his day well then I must not be a dog then. I must be some kind of egyptian rat or something because I keep waiting. i thought I had mine long ago. but it slipped through my fingers like sand. I found this one and it revived me like a thousand year old mummy opening his eyes. the jewels of the heavens thrusted into my gut. the colors of the sky and the wind and the smell of the ocean. she brought it ALL Screaming back. back where it belonged. putting everything in its place. securing the ports. managing the hill sides. balancing the weights. making things equal. up on my feet. looking all around at a beautiful world that loves me. that wants me. that needs me here doing whatever it is that I was put on this Earth to do. it all belonging to where it fits. it all having Meaning. it all being True. but alas. there's a million other boys out there. all with better hair cuts and better jobs. with futures set out before them on a bed of roses. their teeth sparkling white. and smiling in confidence. with money in their pocket and nice comfortable shoes on their feet. and they all want her. as they should. which is why it isn't fair. because it's the right thing for me to lose. its for the betterment of mankind that I not get what I want in life. It serves to benefit the many to sacrifice my share so for me to demand my heart not ache is selfish on my behalf. think of all the better ways in which she could be spending her time. and just be happy knowing that shes not stuck with you. being miserable and having nothing but heart ache to relish in. give her the keys to survival. let her be free and wild. and watch the sun set gracefully.