I've kind of lost my mind. I don't know where it went. I call upon the greats because I don't feel like the greatest anymore. they swoop and they sway with the angels. in that darkly lit corner where only heros are displayed. and for those that call them heros a cloud just on the lower deck. so they can admire them for eternity. Awe the blessings of forgiveness.

But they're way up there. And I'm way down here. all alone with no one to fend for me. No one tohelp me survive. no one to make this life a joyous occasion. I see them up there smiling down at me and it makes me want to spit in their face. but gravity would throw my own spit back in my face. and they'd Laugh and poor more drinks and turn away as if it weren't really anything to see anyways. Awe. the Gods. Hanks eternal wisdom on his rombstone. Selbys ever lasting cries into the night. Burroughs' rotating and circling of time and space, Keroacs foot the the floor, Vonneguts alleyways, Millers whores. they all got theirs. they got it and it came in spaids. While I ate dirt and rolled around in the gutter. the gutter of life. the gutter of the world. from sewer to sewer. trapped in the darkness. clawing my way through the tunnels where my only safety has been.

I see them through the cracks and they're Laughing and smoking cheap cigarettes and carrying on together as if nothing ever went wrong. as if it were all a gas. Where's my trophy? whens my day gonna come? has it already came and went? like a cheap date.

What the fuck is this? Where are we? How'd we get here? Why is This the Way? Isn't there anything that can be done? to even find a shred of happiness. A common sense of decency? just a tiny minute fragment of what it must feel like to be truly free?
without having to DIE in the process of achieving that goal?