how did my father do it? all them years spent alone. longing for his one true love who he knew was sleeping in another mans arms each and every night. a man that he knew was lesser than him. He gave it his everything and she took it all and left him dry and bitter. Aloe to stew in the darkness and spend endless days and sleepless night ultimately wondering why. a cold and broken bed. dinner for one. a dog and a tv. friends at work who weren't smart enough to turn a door nob. the job he gave his life to having gone from being the best job on earth to being a cold a lifeless place where chacater was frowned upon and speakers with monotone voices giving orders and cameras watching your every step. the robots controlling robots. turning humans into robots in the process.

How did he not go completely mad? having tried and tried but never succeed? having given his all only to receive nothing in return but an ice cold welcoming sunrise. I look to him for strength because through it all he kept laughing. he kept laughing and crying though no one was listening. he laughed and drank and carried on head on face to face with the cold and indifferent world that cradled him. how in the world.

I've been alone for a year now and I'm already stark raving mad. I already can't stomach the mornings and lie awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering why I haven't bought a gun. So many people die every day yet here I am. left here to face another day. another day of anguish and torment. another day of nothing. another day of everything that's wrong with me being shoved in my face. day in and day out. what a pitiful display. what a worthless amount of time being wasted on the blood that flows through my veins. I stare through the ceiling. there are no stars. there is no moon. there is nothing every where. nothing is all I see. I hear them laugh and wonder why it's funny. I see them cry and wonder why it's sad. I see them holding hands and wonder how they could possibly be in love. I know they're liars. I know none of it's true. because if it were true then I would have mine to go along with it. I would have all that they have. And it would all come easily. just as it has for them. there is no trying in their world. only taking and leaving. only using and forgetting. only have and want for nothing. while I want everything.