I remember how you held me when I got the news my father was dead. I was silent and just sat on the edge of the bed and you gripped me sobbing onto my shoulder. All I could do was stare straight ahead. I wasn't shocked or stunned. I was just blank. Like I wasn't even there. Oh my love. Why'd you ever let go. couldn't you have held on a little longer? couldn't you have held on while my granmother passed away and left all of the family earnings to my no good rotten grave robbing sister. couldn't you have waited a little while my wounds healed?
And when I found out my best friend was dead. I could see it in you that you knew you were supposed to care but you for some reason you didn't for some reason you just turned and went right back to talk to that shallow cunt friend of yours. scheming away on how to do everything you can to get away from me. Why would you want to leave a man in such bad condition? was it your cold indifferent mother. or was it that fat ugly friend of yours that never showed me any respect. She was always there waiting for my back to turn so she could say Something. Who knows what she said she didn't even know me so what Could she say? whatever her petty little mind could think of I suppose.
And what about them? how low do you have to be to see a person going through as much torment and having my entire life ripped apart due to no fault of my own and at that moment say Anything bad about that person? I don't care who you are. you just don't do that kind of thing. But I guess they do. I guess to them no sacrifice is great enough. No feat too large.
oh but it was stressing her out? and she needs to look after herself. Hows she going to feel 20 years from now when she still has to live with the denial that she did anything wrong. Like sleeping around on me, taking all my money, and then leaving me on my Birthday is something anyone would do. No not anyone my love. Only you. Only you and me have this tale to tell. No one else. No one else ever hurt anyone the way in which you hurt me.
couldn't you just have waited a little longer to rip my heart out. if you had you would have seen that it wasn't me. it was my life. Anyone in my circumstances would have acted just the same. it was all slipping away and leaving me in a pit of darkness and you were all I had to hold on to. and you let go. not only did you let go but you through the rope over the edge. and I saw it going passed my head before I even started falling. I knew you were going to fail me. I knew it in my bones. but I just couldn't go on fighting the pain and grief i was under without you. can't you see that now? can't you see how a man in my condition was in no position to be able to worry about your happiness. how when someones life falls apart you stand by them and let them come out of it to be sure that things are going to get better before you just drive a stake through the heart and pull the plug.
you said you loved. How could you ever have loved me if you couldn't stand by me during the toughest part of my life. You never loved me. If you did you surely don't now.
and look! the clouds have parted and I'm on my feet ready to carry on into new horizons. but you're no where to be found. you've moved on. You've forgotten all about me. like i never existed. Like the last 6 years of living together and screaming at each meant nothing.
you should have waited. you would have seen that I still love you.
but all you wanted to do was get away from me. My life was falling apart and you hated me for it. You blamed me for how sad the world had become. you took everything i was trying to defend myself against and piled it up on top of me and left me suffocating underneath.
No one will ever know though. nor care for that matter. So why should you? why should you care at all. I'm just one human being. one lousy stinking human being. I'm sure you're better off. I mean who am I to think that I deserve the luxury of having some one around to take care of me? I'm a nobody. I got my face in the dirt and I don't even care. I'm still breathing so I guess I'm still living. but the magic is gone. I used to wake up and everything was where it was supposed to be. Now when I wake up all I see is chaos and disruption. somebody giving me a hard time about this. someone else saying something about me behind closed doors. the moneys tight. and the rpices keep getting higher. I just dont know anymore. I used to feel confident that at Least Someone cared. but not anymore. now its just back to me. only person I can count on now is me. And I'm the least reliable person I know.
