I'd never felt the fear like I did that night. my entire life drenched in blue flames. my entire being eating away at itself. imploding every where all at once. once I knew for sure it hit me like a ton of bricks. like a shotgun blast to the heart. like a tall shot of absinthe. I paced around the house in an absolute panic. my mind on the brink of totally collapsing and going into shock. my heart pounding through my chest a million pumps a minute. I sat down and took a mouth full of pills. a mix of three different kinds. and some sleeping pills. and that helped me calm down enough to be able to breathe. I read the emails and re read them. it was true. all my suspicions. all my fears. everything I was trying so hard to deny was even real. the things I'd been fighting to put a stop to. even though I kept telling myself it wasn't even real to begin with. trying to stop something that I was pretending wasn't there. like blindfolding myself before fighting an invisible ghost. "please no please no" I kept saying as I paced around the kitchen. that was before the drugs kicked in. once the drugs kicked in I was back on the computer. looking at meaningless crap. like nothing was going on. mean while my entire life was eroding and folding in on itself. the big bang of my universe. the world had finally come to an end. it was all over. and I knew it. I knew it was never going to be the same from that moment on. she came over the next day and I hate fucked her the best I knew how and she moaned like I'd never heard her moan before. nor would I ever again. for me that is.